I've decided to put my writings here. Most of them will be imported from Wordpress. I feel some of it may be useful information, but they are still personal posts so keep that in mind when using it for.....something. Older posts may be written for convienence (also cuz its common sense to leave stuff out :o)
Hey so I'm back. Except it's because something happened. An archived jrock forum that I used to lurk recently got taken down, which caused it to go private. It's sad because I spent a very large chunk of 2024 just sinking my teeth into browsing that forum. I would always end up there when I had a very curious question about something I didn't know. Like Satsuki, Kisaki, things about their character. Or even the old threads of bandmen that have passed that are remembered to this day, like Daisuke Ochida and Isshi of Kagrra.
I think I spent the whole summer last year, reading that forum. And you know what? I really enjoyed it. Because, reading that forum, even meaningless topics like random thoughts reminded me of how much calmer things used to be. Or before everything became what it was now. For those who do not know, I spent my years on Tumblr mostly. So I know that things were not always like this. That aside, I went through my internet history today. And I found this screenshot: From April and May. So even during the last two months, I was still stumbling upon and lurking MH. In recent times, (most of April, March, and most of May), I didn't lurk there too much. But, I did have tabs on my phone of MH. The reason I ended up finding out today was because I became sick of the internet feed that everyone is so used to in 2020. Then I remembered MH existed (again), and then I tried opening a tab on my phone, only to be met with login. I felt anxious, then I read the recent post on the new forum. ................
I feel as though this is a subtle (or not so subtle) way of telling me to lurk Japanese sites more, like Tanuki. Except.....I feel that bangya on there are probably not as nice to 2010s (and after) bandmen and after. I've not been on there, but from what I heard it seems to be the case. Also, I'm in no mood to hear others talk shit right now. I've been somewhat burnt out, (April and May have been sad for fans of a certain band everyone knows...) so it's why I haven't been able to lurk the forum as much as before. That said, I don't even know who or what could've sent a strike to the site. I'm blaming myself stupidly bc my youtube and new forum have the same icon. But....I don't really post mega links/torrents anywhere? I've thought about it, but now I feel like it's not good to do it anymore. I may post mega links on last.fm like someone did with avelcain. (Btw I have never posted piracy links at all, I tried waiting for the right opportunity and that never came.)
Yeah, to be more personal I am stressed. His passing, can't beat cave story, my life isn't like most people's (those that can do anything without anyone stopping them irl). That kind of thing. Of course, coffee would make it worse. Of course. But i did not know that the site isn't visible anymore... It was a good site for old news, and I did like the atmosphere there, especially since it was more forumlike and less....social media-y? I don't know. I think I just like to lurk and it's good when you listen to lesser known bands and you need info. Also, I tried hard if there was any other way to access the site. I tried seeing if I could view the Lycaon thread (since it was on my phone unread), and I couldn't. Also, the Gazette thread on MH was how I found out that the drums in Taion, or just Traces Vol. 2 were fake. Apparently Kai couldn't play at the time (maybe it was an accident), but that led to Aoi putting the drums in himself through FL Studio or Piapro (or whatever the hell they were using). After finding this out though, I kind of can't really listen to the Taion remake lol, the fake drums are most obvious in DLN. I liked that the thread had good critiscim of them, and not the typical fangirl stuff that you would've found for the band around 2017-18. Because around that time only diehard fans were following them a lot, which isn't bad, but there wasn't much discussion for how the music was made/the musical direction itself. Will miss that thread, even though I believe I also read the whole thing. There was also a chart of how the vkei label industry works, like how Free-Will apparently runs most of the (scene?) and maybe connections to yakuza? Idk, but I also did not save it. Knew the forum was gonna die, but didn't think it was that soon. Shit came out of nowhere. So much shit irl for me and I wish I had spent more of that time lurking the forum, even though that's literally all I did for 2024. SMH my head…..
At the same time, I had thoughts at the back of my head, like if the forum was gonna go down they could at least make a torrent of the archive. Now I see why that's not possible, bc of the amount of personal stuff on there. ………… I will have to remember as much stuff as I can. Or wait for things to finally clear up one day. I just reminded myself of smth that happened in 2017 to my favorite who passed. I was reading a thread about a younger bandman who talked shit to him and he had a fierce reply. "Basically I think a band is something (you give your all into?), so those who don't (understand?) will disappear." He said something along those lines. But now that thread is gone. I read it in February and had a slight fit over it, but man....I wish it didn't go private at such a bad time. I think that band who talked shit was called Kyogetsu or something. I was looking forward to reading the forum again this summer, but things have to come to an end. On the flip side, I have found another site that talks about lesser known bands but its in polish....I guess I will settle for that. It's an old site, but I guess I'll have to settle for it. I also feel I shouldn't blame myself as much, because I tried very hard to read as many threads as I could.
But, there really is too much to go through. Too much to read. I knew this, but still tried to read the forum as much as I could. I remember stumbling across a link to a Merry live (that was apparently subbed), but,,,,,I never knew man. I may have PDFs (or maybe I deleted them) of one thread that I tried converting to an ereader format so I could read it in my spare time. But the thing is....Doing that for every thread.... It's impossible. Also, the person said the change is "likely permanent", but....I would hope it's not the case. I'm sure I'm not the only person upset about this. So I'll have to wait and see in the future if that changes. Very depressing....I hate google I guess. I can only hope that it does change, because interacting with anyone about this in order to get information is going to suck major ass. Wish god took me instead of him. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for writing here,,,,,,, The last 3 days have been extremely difficult. It's complicated, but I seriously don't know why it's been this terrible. My health isn't great, it's been getting worse because of a variety of factors, some which is caused by me. But there are other things that contribute to why it's so terrible....I've been having coffee/tea. I drank too much tea (tried making black tea with lemon and put it in the fridge) and that basically gave the headache that I'm still dealing with. It's what happens when you have too much caffeine; you have to drink more to deal with the withdrawal.
Yesterday, I decided to drink half and half instead. It was both a good and bad decision. At the time of typing this, I'm currently working on my website. I found a great code editor (Phoenix) and was having a pretty decent (health sucks tbh) morning. I always type things like, "I won't mention anything else". But this is my blog after all. So I have to type what happened. I think..... That's just what I'll have to do. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I keep typing .......... because honestly.....there's just a lot I'm feeling right now. Lot of anger, self hatred, fear, sadness, grief..... Grief. Downstairs, when I had to get away from whatever situation was going on.....I couldn't help but think about him, Reita. I wanted to somehow find a pen and paper and write down whatever I was feeling. Obviously I could not find a pen or a paper, but I felt the strong desire to write whatever I was feeling. I wanted to write..."Reita, I miss you. Everyone misses you. The hole you've left here in everyone's heart is here."I can't be left alone. I want to be left alone. I want to escape. I want to watch him live.....I wish I could've. One last time.
A fan on Reddit who sent my memorial letter for GazettE's memorial live last year deleted her account around April 2nd-3rd... To explain, she had made a post last year saying she would write people's letters to give to them on 5/27. I saw that post and gave it to her. It was a very emotional exchange...When she had replied to me her personal thoughts about what I had written, I couldn't really bring myself to reply back to her. At that time, if I had replied to her I would've vented everything I had gone through. It would've been so long...So I didn't reply that time. I had only given her a heart, and decided to cry about everything on my own. I didn't really interact much with her. Her account had the default name that they give you when you make an account. And I knew she wasn't active and we didn't know each other very well, so....I didn't talk to her at all. I was keeping up with the many happenings that this band was going through, and I felt she was sad too. So I didn't really share my feelings with her after that.
Fast forward a year later (March 30th), around this time I decided to return to Tumblr after nearly a month. I did want to feel closer to other fans, which is why I made an account on there. But I also wanted to read the old radiojack interviews, etc. I wasn't thinking when I decided that was a good idea. I mean it kind of is right? Only thing is that I can't afford lives, so there's just a big gap there. On that day, I was going through a lot. My family doesn't respect my boundaries (I had to change the lock on my door, only to realize it was useless), I am currently in university and there's so many problems. On Reddit, I decided to DM her and ask which box she put my letter in. But I did so as politely as I could. I asked her if she was active first, then asked her that question. She replied no worries but....I don't know what I did.
Around that time, I was posting a lot. I was venting a lot online (publicly) is what I will describe my activity as. So....I think I had too much caffeine and apologized to her one more time for making her recall last year because I did feel bad. Only a few days later, she deleted her account. I noticed it and really felt it was my fault, asking her something that any rational person would've asked last year. Since that day, I deleted my posts. Another reason I typed this up was because before she deleted her account, it seems she deleted all her posts as well. I tried to search them, and nothing showed up. I should've known this was going to happen, because while she did mention her Instagram and Twitter in a post last year, when trying to search/access them I couldn't. Maybe she changed her twitter handle. her Instagram brought up nothing. So because of that, I decide to DM her. Knowing she probably changed her socials because she wanted to distance herself, I shouldn't have asked. But for some reason I wanted closure. For some reason, I wanted to be a person who clearly had things going for me and didn't have to sit in a school for a degree. I think the conversation that I had with a family member seriously messed me up. That's why I'm acting like this. Because I was crying over so much, being broke, stuck in school, no friends, the isolation that I felt over the last few years. I was crying and wanted at least one person in my life to know who Reita was. Yet all of it amounted to nothing. And it caused me to act out. I didn't know what I was doing. A simple thing like a letter meant so much to me even a year later.
I'm not sure how else to start this off but yeah...I guess I finally feel like writing something. Many things happened this month. Many. I can't really write everything, but I've done many things, such as not using spacehey anymore, taking a break from reddit, having a conversation with someone on there and showing them my drawing of Reita…..Other things that happened in that conversation too. It's been some days since then, but I still think about it quite a bit. I've also not stopped thinking about Reita himself….
I saw that article recently with someone visiting the SNAKEDLOWS store in Japan to pay their respects to his legacy. I thought that was really touching, that I wasn't the only fan who had him in my thoughts at the end of the year. Also as a HERESY member I did check the New Years message that they left. Very emotional. I felt like I couldn't write how I felt in that moment on that day and I feel a little bad. It was only 2 days ago when it was posted. Also I've not been online AT ALL. Not on Tumblr, not on Reddit....Just pretty inactive for the latter half of this month.
As much as I want to feel more connected with fans, I feel that I have to put myself first. Many feelings well up inside of me because I feel like either my life hasn't truly started in the way I want it to, or it already feels like it's ending....Which, believe it or not is a feeling that getting back into visual kei has helped me curve. Because, it feels like I have something to live for. Kinda sucks that I like to record my thoughts on my phone rather than write them sometimes. Am i just that scatterbrained? I actually was scatterbrained a few weeks ago, around the time I decided to make a twitter. That was on the 15th, and you can already guess why I made one; to reply to his last tweet this year. Because I am in no state to travel at all, I felt it was the only other way to express something and feel satisfied with it. I guess being depressed or whatever takes many forms?
When I'm all scatterbrained, I felt better since I wasn't really using my brain all that much to think. But now that that period has ended, I once again felt messy. Depressed, angry even. Speaking of anger, I feel that things ramped up quite a lot for me in personal life over the last few weeks. I would stay in my room to cope, but I feel around this time just wasn't the time to do that. Especially after reading those new year messages...So I ended up just coping with caffeine. That aside, as of now I am trying my hardest to get as many scrobbles as I can. I didn't care as much because I was really burned out from .everything. I numbed my emotions too much maybe. Probably why I'm not enjoying as many bands as I would like to. I don't know. Also trying to interact with people online is necessary to be in a community.
I want to keep searching for a place that I could someday belong, without it being walled off on a platform I don't like at all (discord). Finally I would like to leave off by saying I purchased MASS LIMITED EDITION BOX B. Stress buying, am I right? It's what happens when your family won't respect your physical boundaries. So yeah. Unfortunately it was a bit expensive. I thought it was box A but discogs only sells box B. And box A is pretty damn expensive on ebay. I won't say the real price, because honestly, mass on mercari jp is like 38-40 ish. But getting it shipped makes it higher. SMH. That said, I also bought MASS because hopefully it'll stop making me collect Gazette stuff since I probably have too much of it already! Lol. It's already dark and my window is open as I write this. Maybe I'll keep scrobbling....I have yet to drink my second cup of green tea. Which means that I'll just continue what I'm doing. I haven't finished a single video game this year too...Idk. Well, I'm gonna sign off here. Goodbye and goodnight. We'll close our eyes and the year will finally end sometime soon. The last ever picture of him...
rym stats before I deleted it: (https://files.catbox.moe/sht26p.csv)
i managed to delete the ratings. i don't remember everything that I've ever listened to but this is mostly everything I remember, outside small singles with no release at all on that site which would've been a pain to add. Next up I'll also post my decade old soundcloud account that I had back when I was in middle school. https://soundcloud.com/tealresonance/ I haven't used it in a very long time, but i guess it's crucial to understanding the type of person I was and became. I only logged back on because I was trying to find old .lynch radios, but I didn't wanna make a new account and decided to use my old one. It's a bit nostalgic but also painful....I strayed very far from the person I wanted to be during that age. a cool ikemen type LOL enough of that...the very dreary present is what I must deal with now.
Hey, hello. Oh god, I ate too much I think. I woke up and the first thing I decided to do was...look stuff up about reita. Bonk me on the head for doing that, since I shouldn’t be going on sites in the first place. And yeah...I must’ve done that because today was the first day that I ever thought to myself, “He’s in a better place now.” And almost not question it...until I did that this morning. And when I did, it was strange. Because I saw a thread from last year, and people were still being respectful. I expected something worse from the site that I had seen, but even after reading about other bandmen that had passed in 2023 in that same thread, they were still sad about what happened to reita too. As I read the thread, I began to relive emotions that I thought I had already processed; it was as if I was reliving the exact same day from last April again. I still deep down...very much won’t believe in any speculation. Even if I read those things, I avoid believing any of it is true. It wouldn’t do me any good. But even then, I felt a big surge of sadness again today. I wanted to eat a proper breakfast, but I settled for the choco muffin sitting in my room and the coffee from yesterday. And after staying in my room today, I ended up making fries for everyone but myself. My mom ate them, and I was happy that she did. She’s a picky eater so it’s good that she ate them all. I’m skipping a bunch of things from today, but one thing I will not ever do is tell anyone why I am “depressed” as my mom and my younger sibling puts it. Typical of family to not always give you space. I was also trying to make pickled onions for the first time today. Almost everytime I was downstairs, I felt a strong urge to cry. Especially after reading about fans who had wondered what happened to...him. Even if it was from last year, I still felt like wanting to cry and let it all out. But I kept my emotions in. Trying not to cry while cooking...I wonder if this is how GazettE’s Kai feels. I know he cooks too, and he’s been cooking more as said from a radiojack last year. Idk...I felt like I was gonna write more. I think I really feel as though my life (because I tried to do something to myself last year) is “linked” to reita’s at this point. I’m sorry if that’s strange to say. It’s because of a bunch of dark thoughts. idk. Think of “linked” as “hey, you as a musician have impacted my life so I just have to remember you”. Probably the only normal way to describe or go about that. I’ve rarely listened to any music today. Just Tekken and Pokemon OSTs.…I’m lowering my lastfm activity. I think I’ve been on there enough. I really feel I should focus on something else, especially so this sadness can go away. Still watching a bunch of vtubers. I hope to support my oshis in ways that I am unable to support bandmen (bc I am not a bangya and do not like in japan). Lord knows if that lifestyle is cut out for me XD.